Frustrations beyond my control

Something I've never been very good with is not being able to control everything. I feel like I've grown past that, until recently.

I've been having "relationship issues" and I'm having some serious trouble handling my emotions at the moment. I really like him, and he really likes me, but he's got a girlfriend. He's not breaking up with her either which is the whole reason for the frustrations. Now, I'm not trying to be manipulative or shady, but I want them to break up! My main problem is that I just don't understand why he's still with someone when he says he's absolutely crazy about me. It doesn't make sense. If you feel the way about someone, like he feels about me, why wouldn't you give it a shot? I suppose I'm frustrated because we'll never really know what it would be like for us to be together. ughhhhhhhhhhhhhh

I want to like, break things off with him, and stop calling and stop seeing him. but I can't! It's not like he's all I think about, but I often see things that remind me of him, or I think of things that I want to tell him, so It's really hard for me to just give it all up. Kelly said she would take his number out of her phone if it were her, but I know that wouldn't work for me. I'd figure it out, and just type his number in every time anyway. I think the worst part is that I know he still likes me, and so I want that attention from him. It's harder for me to give him up because I'm feeling the loss (as Kelly said). And she's right. I get to feel how awful it is to not have him around, but he's not feeling that because he still has another girl.

I just wish I didn't feel so bad.

Why Supervising People Sucks 101

I work in Housing and Residence Life at Kansas State University. For the most part, I love my job. I usually look forward to coming to work and talking with students and supervising student staff. And my students rule.

but it's days like today that make me want to join the circus. I had to fire one (well, three. but we'll focus on one) of my Community Assistants (desk staff) for falling asleep at the desk and then missing a shift. I put her on probation for the falling asleep, and today I let her know that she was no longer working at the desk. It turned my stomach because I saw how upset she was. She felt like people had been "riding her back" all semester, and she feels like she got fired for something that other people do all the time. I tried to assure her that this was not the case, but she wasn't really interested. She pretty much just signed the letter, and stormed out. As she was walking down the hall I heard her yell, "this is bullshit!" I guess I can't blame her for being angry, but what am I supposed to do? I try to be developmental with my students and get them to realize that "yes, this is a convenient and fairly simple job, but it's Still a JOB, and you have to treat it like one." I feel like sometimes it just doesn't make a difference.

This was really hard because I had to fire a girl last semester, and she was totally cool about it. She knew what she had done, and she was willing to accept the consequences. She and I still have a good relationship, and I was thrilled about how my first firing went. This one, however... ugh. I know it will be better for her not to be working at the desk-- she's super busy, and bogged down with school, ROTC, and other responsibilities. but it still sucks, cause I know she's going to hold a grudge.

All this really makes me wish I were a ballerina. Seriously.

Thanks Dad!

With the creation of my Dad's first blog I decided I should update this bad boy. I really don't have a whole lot to report right now. Just your average post-midterm life crisis. I'm once again questioning EVERYTHING in my life. The good news is that since grad school is only 2 years long, I only have one more year until it's time for a new change. This is much better than the previous 4, 3, and 2 that I've gone through before.

I'm considering going back to school for a degree in dance. I know it sounds a little nutty considering I haven't taken dance technique classes in almost a decade, but recently dancing is the only thing that's made me really happy. Maybe it's the fact that it's my own thing, and it separates me from the rest of the "coherd" but it just seems like Maybe I oughta give it a real shot. My mom made the good point that most of my undergrad credits will probably transfer toward another bachelor's if I decide to get another one. AND that I don't have to use the dance degree to be a ballerina, but I can combine it with my Masters in Higher Ed and be like, an academic advisor for a dance department someday. Which actually sounds pretty cool.

I really wish I had a Serious mentor on campus here. I need someone who will just listen to all my crazy thoughts and then help me sort through them, and give me some good insight as to what they think I would do well in.

Ughhh, the real reason I have so many times like this is because I have SO MUCH that I want to do with myself, but I lack either the talent, self-confidence, or motivation to do any of it. Some things I realize will just not happen for me. I will more than likely not be dancing on broadway, or on Dancing with the Stars-- that requires talent. And while I lack that kind of talent, I know I'm not a total spaz, and I can hold a rhythm, and I can learn choreography well. Also, I'm pretty smart. I think I ask good questions, and I write pretty well (if I do say so myself!) However, I'm not a straight A student by any means, and I also tend to find myself easily distracted. For example, I should be working on a presentation right now, but instead-- I'm blogging! This is where the motivation comes in handy. These are things I just don't know how to get. I'm pretty motivated in Dance right now, but again, is that because I really love it, or because I'm bored with the other work I'm supposed to be doing?

The answer to all my questions is: Who knows?!

Thanks a bunch Dad!